Thursday, November 17, 2011

Preference for Brain-Boners

I am NOT repressed. I am the social co-chair for my class and have planned picnic lunches, a pub crawl, Halloween candy binge, snowball fight, secret santa gift exchange, etc. I am very active and interested in the people around me. I am interested in having interesting conversations and having a good time (I love to dance). I’m interested in being close to people, but I am mostly uninterested in sex. I don't just see someone attractive/hot and think about what kinds of physical things I'd like to do with them. My current school program is intense, so people don’t consider it that odd if you aren’t dating very much. I only feel obligated to be dating and to have a sex life when I’m at some kind of party or other social occasion. Especially a family event. I feel pressure all around me all the time parents (are you dating anyone right now? when are you going to start making grandchildren?), friends (don’t you just really need to get laid after awhile? You know, the way you look at someone after you’ve had sex. [Insert Name Here] is getting married!), and internally (it’s not “normal” not to be interested in sex or dating, maybe there’s something wrong with me). I honestly don’t see what all the fuss is about, but I guess that’s what makes me nonsexual. I was so glad I finally found a name for what I had been secretly feeling. I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. Even if we’ve never met, it’s good to have company! I have spent a great amount of time learning how to “fake” interest. The problem is, I’ve become really good at it. I know all the right words to say, the right looks and body movements, and I know enough to let other people fill in the gaps that I purposefully leave in my story. I don’t like outright lying to others, so I might say things like “I spent the night”. Which infers to a sexual that I slept with the person, but nothing actually happened.

I think am afraid of using the term “asexual” aloud to describe myself. I'm not entirely sure what it means to me exactly - so how should I know what that should mean to them? I also think it makes them ask a lot of personal/private questions that I wouldn't want to answer unless they are good friends. I also think that maybe I'd just be I hear a lot of people don’t believe asexuals when they come out. Maybe it’s because I’m from California, but I believe that it’s an essential mind set that they will have a hard time getting over. It seems to be so ingrained into our society that we should all be thinking about sex all the time. Also, in some ways, I’m fascinated by how someone else can think sex is so fascinating. So, I’m sure the opposite must be true – they must find it interesting that I’m not interested. I’ve looked up the worst websites, weird fetishes, BS&M, etc. My friends would probably have no doubt that I was sexual after seeing that history in my browser. I’ve even written sexual fanfiction. Reasonably well received, I might add. Although, most likely because I add a lot more plot and character development than a typical story from the genre. I understand that sex is very important to sexuals and I understand it is a driving force for them, but I don’t understand the fuss. (It feels good. Check. Done.) Sex is okay, but sharing confidences, learning what people really think, and hypothesizing about a million different things has always been way more satisfying for me than anything physical. I ask others about their relationships and share in their discussions as best I can (some things about relationships and intimacy are universal). I try to practice the art of good conversation, but sometimes it is hard to lead the conversation in a productive direction since sex is a preoccupation for most.

I guess I prefer brain-boners to real boners.

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