Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I have the deep, hidden desire to be intimate with people (sexuals, get your mind out of the gutter!) -  hug, lean, sprawl, nap, etc. But, I’m always afraid it will be misconstrued as sexual interest especially with the opposite sex, so I generally have a very strict personal bubble to prevent that. Although, I do tend to relax it when I’ve been drinking. I have spent a lot of time trying to be normal. I’ve been in a lot of short term heterosexual relationships, but I’m always afraid of giving the wrong signals and I think sexual people can sense that there is no connection and things just fade. I liked them, really, I did. Just not in a sexual way. I think we could have been great “friends”, but that’s just not what they were interested in. 

I’ve always placed a lot of emphasis on friendship. I sometimes wish I could be freer with my affections, though. I think with even a couple amazingly good friends, I would be satisfied. But, that kind of friend seems really hard to come by – I’ve got a small group, but I am going to school far away now and I’m afraid that I’m losing those connections.

I often get jealous of my friends’ time with their significant others. Also, when my friends spend time with people who I consider of a lower caliber of person, I sometimes get upset (at them, then at myself for being so petty).

I could spend all night with a friend (guy or gal) having an interesting, intimate conversation and feel great/complete/satisfied as I imagine others do after a night with a lover.

I think I need a new word, more than “friend” but less than “girlfriend/boyfriend/lover”. 

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