Book Recommendation: The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. LeGuin

First off, the book is a science fiction novel. But, for those of you who don’t like science fiction, LeGuin mostly uses science fiction as a way to examine people and our relationships. She uses fantastical locations and biology to shed light on who we are as humans. In this book, the entire population of the planet Winter are androgynous. They only engage in sex at specific times, like estrus (menstruation) in women, called kemmer. So, yes, it has a sexual component. But, I think it still has value to our community. Anyway, you can become (i.e. physically transform) either male or female during kemmer and usually people alternate or change genders each time. So, when our main character arrives on the planet (a normal earth male). He is considered by the inhabitants to be a complete pervert, staying in the male sexual state all the time. I just think it is a really interesting and thought-provoking concept. It also brings up issues that our community has to deal with all the time, such as being considered deviations from the “normal” (although almost in reverse) and the “perverse and often baffling” fluidity of our sexuality or lack there of.

Even before you get to the bulk of the novel, my edition of the book has a forward from the author. She states that while she doesn’t predict everyone will become androgynous or that we all ought to be androgrynous, but that “I’m merely observing, in the peculiar, devious, and thought-experimental manner proper to science fiction, that if you look at us at certain odd times of day in certain weathers, we already are.” I think that’s how I’ve come to view a lot of people in my life now. There are heterosexual “women” who are more like heterosexual “men” are supposed to be in the relationship and vice versa. I have a female friend who is dragged to romantic comedies with her husband all the time. I have a male friend, who calls me up just to talk (he does this to everyone, it’s his thing). I think we all encompass some “male” and “female” traits and that even sexuals can be a bit androgynous at times.

The entire book is a look at sexuality and non-sexuality. It focuses on the duality and the complexity of relationships and life. It is truly one of my favorite books. However, it is not very action packed, so if you’re looking for epic space battles and laser fights, you should look elsewhere. This tends to move a bit slower and is all about people, relationships, and society. Ultimately, it is also about a companionship that is more than friendship (but not about sex). [I was going to say “less than lovers”, but realized that’s privileging sex as the ultimate goal and it’s not. Forgive my caveat.] You may also want to keep in mind that it was originally published in 1969, when the LGBT community was just a fledgling and had just begun to fight for rights. I find it a very enjoyable interesting read, especially in light of my new view of myself. I’m currently re-reading it and I’d love to discuss!

On a side note, I find it amusing that many of her books are published by Ace Books.

Preference for Brain-Boners

I am NOT repressed. I am the social co-chair for my class and have planned picnic lunches, a pub crawl, Halloween candy binge, snowball fight, secret santa gift exchange, etc. I am very active and interested in the people around me. I am interested in having interesting conversations and having a good time (I love to dance). I’m interested in being close to people, but I am mostly uninterested in sex. I don't just see someone attractive/hot and think about what kinds of physical things I'd like to do with them. My current school program is intense, so people don’t consider it that odd if you aren’t dating very much. I only feel obligated to be dating and to have a sex life when I’m at some kind of party or other social occasion. Especially a family event. I feel pressure all around me all the time parents (are you dating anyone right now? when are you going to start making grandchildren?), friends (don’t you just really need to get laid after awhile? You know, the way you look at someone after you’ve had sex. [Insert Name Here] is getting married!), and internally (it’s not “normal” not to be interested in sex or dating, maybe there’s something wrong with me). I honestly don’t see what all the fuss is about, but I guess that’s what makes me nonsexual. I was so glad I finally found a name for what I had been secretly feeling. I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. Even if we’ve never met, it’s good to have company! I have spent a great amount of time learning how to “fake” interest. The problem is, I’ve become really good at it. I know all the right words to say, the right looks and body movements, and I know enough to let other people fill in the gaps that I purposefully leave in my story. I don’t like outright lying to others, so I might say things like “I spent the night”. Which infers to a sexual that I slept with the person, but nothing actually happened.

I think am afraid of using the term “asexual” aloud to describe myself. I'm not entirely sure what it means to me exactly - so how should I know what that should mean to them? I also think it makes them ask a lot of personal/private questions that I wouldn't want to answer unless they are good friends. I also think that maybe I'd just be I hear a lot of people don’t believe asexuals when they come out. Maybe it’s because I’m from California, but I believe that it’s an essential mind set that they will have a hard time getting over. It seems to be so ingrained into our society that we should all be thinking about sex all the time. Also, in some ways, I’m fascinated by how someone else can think sex is so fascinating. So, I’m sure the opposite must be true – they must find it interesting that I’m not interested. I’ve looked up the worst websites, weird fetishes, BS&M, etc. My friends would probably have no doubt that I was sexual after seeing that history in my browser. I’ve even written sexual fanfiction. Reasonably well received, I might add. Although, most likely because I add a lot more plot and character development than a typical story from the genre. I understand that sex is very important to sexuals and I understand it is a driving force for them, but I don’t understand the fuss. (It feels good. Check. Done.) Sex is okay, but sharing confidences, learning what people really think, and hypothesizing about a million different things has always been way more satisfying for me than anything physical. I ask others about their relationships and share in their discussions as best I can (some things about relationships and intimacy are universal). I try to practice the art of good conversation, but sometimes it is hard to lead the conversation in a productive direction since sex is a preoccupation for most.

I guess I prefer brain-boners to real boners.